Does being "lost" define me?
I’ve been a tad quiet for the past couple of months while, like many others, have struggled through the festive season.
Christmas and New Year were full of joy and I couldn’t remember a time I had been happier, but it all came crashing down around me very suddenly less than 2 weeks into the new year. I was heartbroken and lost, ready to pack up and run away again, even the good news about my career a week later was a confusing mess as I had to tangle apart all the knotted thoughts about why I had actually embarked on this adventure to begin with, “Was this ever what I wanted or what others wanted for me?”, I cried at the smallest thing, and not just a little sob or watery eyes, full on ugly crying, I couldn’t understand why I had been thrown back into the abyss after the universe looking like it was about to give me everything I had desired.
|New Years Eve|
Then a beautiful friend gave me a card in which she wrote “You are the strongest woman I have ever met! No matter how hard life gets you pull yourself back up. I truly look up to you!” The lump in my throat swelled up again and the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter about, although this time it was with a pride, confidence and love for myself I hadn’t felt in a long time. So what if the person I could see a future with didn’t share my vision?! So what if I needed time to heal?! So what if I got angry at the loss of control?! All of it is a natural human reaction to shock, but importantly, it is also temporary. I love myself, I deserve success and happiness, and I have THE BEST support team around me who believe it too.
At my darkest moment, I felt defined by my being “lost”, something which I have been called on several occasions, but is that such a bad thing? Being lost is not just about the times when I’m struggling through the mind fog and wondering if there will ever be an end to the free fall and the pain; it is about the times I get up, shower, eat, put one foot in front of the other and show up for myself and the ones I love. That is what defines me.
My workload is about to increase so I am making sure I look for those small moments of pleasure, and chances for self worship. I’m singing, laughing, dancing, writing, running, masturbating, meditating, taking deep breathes and reminding myself how loved I am at every opportunity I get. I am enjoying smells and tastes, the cold air, the sound of rain on the roof, and choosing to look at the rest of my life as full of opportunity instead of a dark and scary unknown.
One day I will find something that makes me feel as passionate and fulfilled as I used to feel, something that will become the obvious goal for my future, but until then I choose to keep pulling myself up, no matter how hard life gets, for myself and so those around me know it is possible when they become faced with their own darkness.